Saturday, March 24, 2012

Vatican unveils long-lost epistle.

FNN's religious reporter Matthew Mark Lukejohn is at the Church Of The Blessed Elbow in Hoboken, NJ where Cardinal Giuseppe Rizzo from the Holy Office in the Vatican will speak about the newly discovered ancient writings uncovered in Rome.  "I am inside the church and I can see Cardinal Rizzo as he mounts the steps to the pulpit. He looks over the worshippers and starts."

"My bothers and sisters in God, I bring you good news.  Recently, our researchers in the Vatican uncovered a very old chest hidden behind some of the vast treasure stored in our basements.  When they opened it, they found a scroll.  Once the scroll was unrolled and translated it was found to be a letter written by Saint Tedious to his flock.  

"I have elected to disclose the contents in America because it is so relevant to this modern society and the anguish its citizens are experiencing.

"Saint Tedious was a hermit who lived  in the desert and survived only through the generosity of the nearby villagers who brought him meat, bread, vegetables, unwatered wine and honey cakes several times a week lest he curse their flocks and crops.   In his epistle he instructs the villagers on the role of women.  Speaking as God's representative, he wrote that the role of women is to bear children, maintain a home for her father or husband, obey their commands and to be silent."

"At this point, the mumbling of many women in the church interrupted the cardinal and he glared at them."

"Saint Tedious emphasized the last, that women should be silent.  Murmuring and mumbling is not being silent. I am your spiritual father and I command you to be silent.

"I have it on good authority that our Holy Father will use this discovery to write a new encyclical ordering women to follow Saint Tedious' instructions under pain of excommunication."

"A number of women are leaving the church causing the cardinal to talk loudly in Italian or perhaps Latin.

"The Cardinal has now switched back to English.

"The independence and resistance of American women must cease.  I urge the men in this church to vote for the Presidential candidates who support our cause of returning women to their proper role in society."

"Cardinal Rizzo has slammed a fist on the pulpit railing and stormed out of the church. This is Matthew Mark Lukejohn.  FNN will update this story as more details became available."

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