Vatican unveils long-lost epistle.

FNN's religious reporter Matthew Mark Lukejohn is at the Church Of The Blessed Elbow in Hoboken, NJ where Cardinal Giuseppe Rizzo from the Holy Office in the Vatican will speak about the newly discovered ancient writings uncovered in Rome.  "I am inside the church and I can see Cardinal Rizzo as he mounts the steps to the pulpit. He looks over the worshippers and starts."

"My bothers and sisters in God, I bring you good news.  Recently, our researchers in the Vatican uncovered a very old chest hidden behind some of the vast treasure stored in our basements.  When they opened it, they found a scroll.  Once the scroll was unrolled and translated it was found to be a letter written by Saint Tedious to his flock.  

"I have elected to disclose the contents in America because it is so relevant to this modern society and the anguish its citizens are experiencing.

"Saint Tedious was a hermit who lived  in the desert and survived only through the generosity of the nearby villagers who brought him meat, bread, vegetables, unwatered wine and honey cakes several times a week lest he curse their flocks and crops.   In his epistle he instructs the villagers on the role of women.  Speaking as God's representative, he wrote that the role of women is to bear children, maintain a home for her father or husband, obey their commands and to be silent."

"At this point, the mumbling of many women in the church interrupted the cardinal and he glared at them."

"Saint Tedious emphasized the last, that women should be silent.  Murmuring and mumbling is not being silent. I am your spiritual father and I command you to be silent.

"I have it on good authority that our Holy Father will use this discovery to write a new encyclical ordering women to follow Saint Tedious' instructions under pain of excommunication."

"A number of women are leaving the church causing the cardinal to talk loudly in Italian or perhaps Latin." 

"The Cardinal has now switched back to English." 

"The independence and resistance of American women must cease.  I urge the men in this church to vote for the Presidential candidates who support our cause of returning women to their proper role in society."

"Cardinal Rizzo has slammed a fist on the pulpit railing and stormed out of the church. This is Matthew Mark Lukejohn.  FNN will update this story as more details became available."

FNN Report: New Republican Initiative

This report was filed by our political reporter, Stacy Conundrum. 

Senator Santorum's information officer today held a press conference to brief reporters on the main thrust of the candidate's new campaign.  Ira Babcock told reporters that Santorum is convinced the major problem with the country is the amount of unbridled liberty that citizens have.  Babcock quoted the Senator, "Liberty must be tempered with responsibility. People can't decide on their own what is permissible.  It is the responsible of the authorities to rule on what is allowed.  Once that guidance is in place, our society will become much more focused on what is important and what is counterproductive. This will restore America to its former greatness and glory."

Babcock explained that after Santorum is elected President, he will pass legislation that will make crimes out of major sins.  "This is a time honored procedure.  History is filled with examples of states enforcing religious restrictions."

When a reporter asked if this amounted to a new Inquisition, Babcock answered, "Not at all.  All of the Christian religions have agreed to staff and fund a new Holy Office.  Its job will be oversee the population and point out sinners to the civil authorities.  That is all the Holy Office will do.  It will not be involved in arresting or questioning of these suspected sinners."

In reply to another reporter's question, Babcock said the campaign has the approval of many Republican leaders and he is confident that it will become the main plank in the platform developed during our convention in August.

FNN will follow this breaking news and issue further reports as necessary.