Secret Congressional Peace Talks

FNN has obtained exclusive information that the Democrats and Republicans in the House are in secret peace negotiations.  Another report says that the same is true in the Senate. 

Our political reporter, Stacy Conundrum, has learned that the purpose of the talks is to reach an agreement on what both parties are willing to concede or at least discuss with the other party and what issues they feel are not worth discussing because the parties will not give ground.  If the peace agreement can be reached, neither party will then propose bills that are in the off-limits category.  Spokespersons from both sides say the peace treaty, if it can be reached, will lessen the current mood of outright hostility in both chambers.

In the Senate, sources tell FNN that increased millionaire taxes and repeal of oil subsidies are off-limits for the Republicans while the Democrats refuse to discuss budget reductions that affect the middle-class or the poor.

In the House, the situation is much worse.  The Republican leadership is calling for an unconditional surrender by the Democrats before talks can take place.  The Republican demand includes vacating the White House so it can be occupied once again by its rightful resident, a member of the Republican Party.  A spokesman for the House speaker put it this way: "We refuse to talk until the White House is once again a symbol of Republican superiority." 

More on this story as we obtain more details

FNN Report: New Republican Initiative

This report was filed by our political reporter, Stacy Conundrum. 

Senator Santorum's information officer today held a press conference to brief reporters on the main thrust of the candidate's new campaign.  Ira Babcock told reporters that Santorum is convinced the major problem with the country is the amount of unbridled liberty that citizens have.  Babcock quoted the Senator, "Liberty must be tempered with responsibility. People can't decide on their own what is permissible.  It is the responsible of the authorities to rule on what is allowed.  Once that guidance is in place, our society will become much more focused on what is important and what is counterproductive. This will restore America to its former greatness and glory."

Babcock explained that after Santorum is elected President, he will pass legislation that will make crimes out of major sins.  "This is a time honored procedure.  History is filled with examples of states enforcing religious restrictions."

When a reporter asked if this amounted to a new Inquisition, Babcock answered, "Not at all.  All of the Christian religions have agreed to staff and fund a new Holy Office.  Its job will be oversee the population and point out sinners to the civil authorities.  That is all the Holy Office will do.  It will not be involved in arresting or questioning of these suspected sinners."

In reply to another reporter's question, Babcock said the campaign has the approval of many Republican leaders and he is confident that it will become the main plank in the platform developed during our convention in August.

FNN will follow this breaking news and issue further reports as necessary.

FNN Report: Dem Super-PAC funds Santorum and Gingrich

Faux News Network has an exclusive report that a Democratic Super-PAC is secretly sending funds to both the Santorum and Gingrich campaigns.

Our political reporter Stacy Conundrum met with Mr. Bigmoney(an alias).

To protect his identify, he showed up wearing a paper sack over his head and surgical gloves on his hand so he wouldn't leave behind any fingerprints.  He also disguised his voice with an electronic device.

Stacy Conundrum:  Why is a Democratic PAC giving money to Republican candidates?

Bigmoney:  It's quite simple.  President Obama will beat any of the major candidates that are trying for the nomination.  But beating Romney will take mo money than beating Santorum and Gingrich.  Therefore, if Santorum or Gingrich get the nomination, we can use the money not spent on the presidential campaign on Congressional races.  So, thanks to our wonderful Supreme Court, we can raise all the money we want and spend it any way we want, including throwing money to Republican candidates when it is our strategic interests.

SC:  So all this bizarre behavior comes from the Supreme Court's decision that corporations are people and they have freedom of speech rights?

BM:  That's right, Stacy.  Those idiots on the court bench had no idea what they were about to unleash and I think they still don't know what is going on.  What a great country we live in, don't you agree?

SC: I have to think about that before I answer.  We'll have more on this at a later date including Mr. Bigmoney's indentitiy

Faux News Network: Republican Demands More Regulation

Stacy Conundrum, FNN political reporter, talked exclusively to Dr. Phillip Pompous, an economist and CEO of a conservative think-tank who advises the Republicans on regulatory manners.

SC: why do the Republicans aver that the financial industry doesn't require additional regulation to keep them from perpetrating another disaster like the one we still haven't recovered from?

PP:  Like most liberal media types, you have no idea about what caused the meltdown and you blame the easiest target available.  The cause of the problem was the middle-class property owners who couldn't pay off their mortgages.   How dumb can these people be, taking on a mortgage that they can't pay off.  Didn't these people ever hear of working a second or third job to get the money to pay off the mortgage?  The financial industry was left on the hook because of these incompetent, lazy mortgage holders.

SC: isn't it true that the financial industry enticed the mortgage holders with misleading offers and half-truths?

PP: More liberal propaganda.  Blame the victims.  Without the stupendous efforts of the financial industry to repair the damage caused by the unprincipled mortgage holders, the country would have slipped into a full-blown depression.  Instead of praising the banks and other financial corporations for their heroic actions to staunch the monetary bleeding, the media blames the banks and spreads the lies put out by the government.

SC: Wait a minute.  The heroic efforts you just mentioned, wasn't it the taxes paid by the middle-class that bailed out the banks?

PP: The dishonest mortgage holders drove the banks to the brink of bankruptcy.  The use of the tax-payer bailout money was necessary and was the best use of taxes in the last several decades.  The government should set up a ongoing fund for corporations to tap when they need additional cash for some purpose. But without all the red tape and oversight of the last time.

SC: So your position and the position of the Republican Party is that the banks don't need more regulation and oversight. Is that correct?

PP: Of course it's correct.  The problem isn't the banks or the energy industry or other corporations, the problem is the middle-class and the poor.  They're the ones causing all the problems in the country.  Unions use negotiating tactics to drain profits from corporations, thus depriving stock holders of needed dividends.  People sue corporations to get compensation for accidents caused by their own stupidity.  We have to stop this guerilla warfare against corporate interests.

SC: So where do you stand on regulation?

PP: Actually, I am in favor of much more regulation and oversight, but not on corporations.  It is desperately required to be applied to the masses.  The government has completely missed the point of regulation.  It has to regulate the actions of the middle- and lower-classes.  The aim of the regulations will be to protect the corporations from these predatory cheaters and liars.  The regulations must make it a crime to walk away from a mortgage and cause a loss to the banks.  Consumers must be prohibited from suing corporations for any reason. Unemployment benefits must be cut.  There are plenty of jobs available. If an illegal alien can find a job, an unemployed can find the same job.  If a few million unemployed took the jobs from the illegals, we'd eradicate several of our nasty national problems.  That is the direction we must get the government to go in.

SC: That's it from FNN news. I'll interview more politicians after I recover from this one.  It may take a while.