Faux News Network has attained exclusive rights to interview Gongeblazn, the antagonist of Zaftan Miscreants, a novel by the unknown (for good reasons) author Hank Quense. Gongeblazn is an alien of the zaftan persuasion. FNN uses a new technology called Wormhole Connectivity to communicate with Zaftan 31B, the alien home world which is in a parallel world.
Here is our cultural reporter Marcia Hammerhead.
Ms Hammerhead: Tell us about your background
G. My nest mother and father were both highly respected for their skills. My father was the most famous and accomplished assassin in our home world. Top politicians and corporate leaders vied for his services and paid huge amounts of money to have daddy blow someone up. He was so successful, he got the nickname, Widow Maker. Unfortunately, a gang of those widows trapped him in an alley and cut him to pieces with kitchen knives. My Ma was equally famous as a poisoner. A gallon of her special tea could wipe out an entire party. In her dotage, she accidentally flavored her meal with the poison.
I chose to take a different career path and joined the navy, although I do use the skills my daddy taught me.
Ms Hammerhead: Mr. Gongeblazn, tell us about your role in the novel.
G: What does mister mean? Is it some sort of subtle insult? If so, I will demand satisfaction.
Ms Hammerhead: It is no insult, it's a term of honor.
G. I accept your explanation. My role is misunderstood. I'm considered to be a villain, but the reality is that I'm a hero and a patriot who defended the home word against vicious enemies, despicable allies and other low-lifers.
Ms Hammerhead: How can you be a hero and a patriot when you lost two fleets of ships and turned to piracy at the end?
G Obviously, you have been subjected to propaganda from my enemies. They will go to any lengths to blacken my reputation.
Ms Hammerhead: How can they blacken your reputation? You've murdered any number of you peers and superiors as well as betrayed others.
G: Of which I'm justly proud. Assassination and treachery are the hallmarks of a superior Zaftan. The fact that I'm still alive shows my superiority over those who are dead. Especially the ones I murdered.
Ms Hammerhead: At the end of the novel, you are captured and will be tried for piracy and face the death penalty, this ending your career.
G: Not necessarily. I'm negotiating with the author to let me escape from prison and take a roll in the next book, so I may be back. I'm also entertaining offers for my life history and a producer is exploring a musical version of Zaftan Miscreants with me playing myself.
Ms Hammerhead: Thank you for the interview. FNN will be interviewing more of author Hank Quense's characters. Look for these reports.