Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Zaftan Miscreants Sample

The book's antagonist, Gongeblazn, is freed from prison where he heard tales of a famous pirate, Blackbeard the Dwarf. Gongeblazn, who believes he is channeling the famous pirate, changes his name to Blackbeard, steals a trading vessel and recruits a crew from the galaxy's worst tavern.  In this scene he musters the crew for the first time:
With everyone on board, Blackbeard called a muster.  He looked over his crew as they stood approximately at attention, most holding their noses and breathing through their mouths.  They consisted of a half-dozen porcines, three zaftans, five dwarfs, one elf, seven humans, the yuk bartender and a half-pint.  He looked down on the diminutive would-be pirate and said, "I do not remember ya signin' The Articles."
"I did sign them."
Blackbeard unrolled The Articles and scanned the signatures.  "What's yer name?"
"Harry Hotspur.  I was a teacher in the high school, but I decided to go adventuring."
"By the tides, ye did sign up. It's just that yer a bit small to be a pirate.  Someone will step on ye when we board a ship."
"I make up for my small stature by being overly aggressive."
"And ya talk funny."
"I'm a political science teacher and it's pretty boring stuff."
"He's kinda useless as a pirate," the former bartender said.  "Maybe, we could throw him at da other crew we when board dere ship."
"Useless, am I?"  Harry charged at the yuk, lowered his head at the last moment and rammed it into the yuk's crotch.  The yuk folded up with a whooshing sound and collapsed to the deck."
"Arrgh, where did ya learn that trick?" Blackbeard asked.
"From my students.  To survive in that high school, one has to be tough and a fast learner.  The students are vicious."
Blackbeard turned his attention to the rest of the crew.  "It has come to me notice that none of ye has a peg leg.  A good crew needs a peg leg or two.  Who will volunteer to get a leg hacked off so he can use a peg leg?"
"Ask one of them," a dwarf replied and jerked a thumb towards the zaftans.  "They look like they can do without a tentacle or two."
"Are ye daft?  Who ever heard of a pirate with a peg tentacle?"  He scanned his forces.  "Anyone own a parrot?"
No one answered.
"All pirate ships have a parrot.  Computer!  Buy a parrot as soon as ye can."
"Live or stuffed?" Slash 9 asked.
"Either one.  Now then.  None of ye are wearin' eyepatches.  Anyone want to get an eye gouged out so ye can look like a salty dog of a pirate?"
"I can hardly see out of my right eye," a porcine said.  "I'll wear a patch if you like."
"Arrrgh!  A volunteer.  Right, put it on."
"Can't.  I don't got one."
"I know.  Order eyepatches.  Black ones I suppose."
"Right.  And order some peg legs and crutches.  Mayhap, one of these lads will lose a limb boarding a ship."  Brimming with pride over his new command and crew, he dismissed them to let them discover the ship had only a dozen bunks for the crew of twenty-four.

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